in the here and now, as i sit beside her in the dark, her voice is soft. a whimper, like a wounded animal. i can’t see her, but i know she is hurting. i reach out to her, her hair is damp and her lips are moist with her tears. she opens to my attention and spills for me. she is shaking and i can sense that she is aching, for something. her voice is broken. she is calm now, not like before.
not like before, when she was raging. not like before, when she was screaming at me. furious. feral. not like before when she was thrashing inside and lashing out at me. not like before when i could feel her spit on my face as she roared at me, her eyes focused and burning holes in my mind. not like before when she was screaming at me. not like before when she told me i was stupid. not like before when she told me that she hated me. not like before when she told me that she wanted me dead.
i know she doesn’t mean it, but…
she scares me when she gets like this, when she has one of these ‘episodes’. she can easily overpower me. and she is strong. her strength, supernatural. she could easily destroy me in her rage. blind, out of control.
and i cannot retaliate.
these ‘episodes’ are intense. and yet, i can sympathise with her. she bleeds like me and i love her. i want to help her but… but sometimes my hands are tied.
it’s all too familiar.
her eyes beseech: ‘why, why, why?’
…but i have no answers for her.
for now, all i can do is cradle her.