what's wrong with me?


7 empty bottles lie strewn across the floor in violent, yet elegant, disarray…
7 empty bottles and yet i am craving more.

i had to drink to escape. to escape from you. to escape from myself…

what is this?
what is wrong with me?

7 attempts to dim the sight of you, to turn down your brilliance.
7 attempts to mute your voice.
7 attempts to drown you out, and cut you adrift.
7 attempts to crush… crush… crush… this… this…
this… i don’t know what this is.
but i do know this – i have slid beneath it.

but this isn’t anything.
this isn’t anything because everything i touch breaks…

i am broken, like these 7 empty bottles.

i am smashed.

i crawl across the floor and find sanctuary in the fragments of glass… i lie, still.
i finger the shards… i nestle into the pain.
the pain is perfect and exquisite
and makes me forget the crushing weight upon my chest.
a slither of glass in my hand, sparkles like that moment.
a momentary sparkle, like that memory.
i wrap my fingers around its dangerous length and squeeze it tight,
like i hold tight to that memory… that moment…
tighter and tighter…
the pain is profound, the pain is perfect
a momentary distraction, yet it will not yield.
i hold on tight.
tighter and tighter…
like the tightening in my throat, in my stomach
the pain is beautiful and i had hoped it would help me to forget.

but it does not. it only makes me crave more… more wine, more you…

red rivulets run from my hand, like salvation… a release…
a letting of blood…
a way of letting go,
a way of letting go of you…

i lie down, naked, among the broken glass as if cradled by fragmented memories…
i am bleeding. i am punctured.
i am hollow and broken, like those empty bottles.

i am smashed. i am a car crash.

naked and bleeding, my hands are in shreds.
amid the shards, i am cold and bloody and shaking…

but still the blood flows thick and slow.
my knees are cut- blood stains my hands, my lips…
my mind runs away from me as i lie, still…
smashed, smeared and empty,
bleeding and broken.

i drank and drank and drank and drank with a seemingly endless thirst,
and desire…
a desire to forget this… this… this…
just for a short while…

the cuts, this letting of blood, let you roll over me and wash me away.
i forget where i am. you make me forget where i am, who i am… and why i am.

i scream out loud.

what is wrong with me?

7 bullet holes in the heart,
7 pills in the hand,
7 cuts across the wrist,
7 bottles of wine will not silence this.

7 empties, smashed.

i am empty.
i am smashed.

i cry for something real from you, but like these shards, you cut me to the quick.

i curl up, naked, in the carpet of shards and feel them pierce and puncture.
the blood flows like the wine from those broken empties, where i seek solace.

my heart beats fast. i cannot swallow… i feel hollow, empty…

the blood flows.
the pain is pervasive, exquisite like an orgasm.
the pain is supposed to help me drown you out, help me extinguish this…

but damn you’re good…

(c) Kat McDonald 2012


18 thoughts on “shards

    • thanks for all your comments. i don’t consider myself to be a writer. this is therapy, only free gratis – and a chance for me to explore subjects and emotions, and my own fucked-up mind, and pluck lyrics from for future songs.
      thanks anyway.
      you’re too kind!


  1. As a writer, I’m honestly speechless and breathless. It is easily some of the best poetry and writing I’ve EVER read. You are so multi-talented, Kat. It really is amazing.


    • thank you. that means a lot coming from you, Stephanie.

      i hope you enjoy some of the other pieces. there’s quite a pot-pourri of pieces, some are perfunctory, some pout and sulk. some are untamed and almost violent. hope you find time to read some of the others.


    • thank you Tom. thanks for taking the time to read my ‘shards’. hope you can revisit and read some of the other pieces.

      this is disturbing, yet, it’s been a mental cleansing too. glad you enjoyed reading this.


  2. wow! quite an amazing piece of writing: powerful and may I say mesmerizing. I’m going to have to add your blog to my list of favourites and check from time to time to see what you’re up to. and thanks btw for commenting on my blog


  3. This is fantastic! I’m loving the imagery, repetition, and violent nature of beautiful piece of work. I don’t even know how to express what I want to say. Just that I love it, and the picture firs nicely!


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