Oh codeine. you are an evil mistress. you are a cold-hearted, unfeeling, temptress… you prey upon my vulnerability, my susceptibility – yet you are exquisite.
to feel, or not to feel, that choice is mine. but i am enslaved by you, and your charms. i am your whore.
with you, it’s all too easy: not to feel, not to care.
when i am with you, i succumb to your effortless ability to soothe my pain. i feel myself falling, flailing, in your soft yielding arms.
you won’t let me go. you are a possessive and obsessive lover. jealousy beyond control.
you won’t let me go. you have me in your clutches.
you render me numb, in full submission to your dominatrix ways and wiles.
Oh codeine. sweet codeine, you colour my dreams.
sometimes i find myself floating out over the sea, looking down upon your circling gulls and oil-tankers; other times i find myself swimming in an underground lake where the water is pink and the cavernous ceiling rises, infinitely, above me like a cathedral. every sigh echoes like angels’ voices; every splash makes concentric patterns that ring out like chimes from a bell, with crystal clarity and unfathomable beauty.
with you, i no longer know reality like i used to. you have shown me new realities, and they are beautiful.
take me, please… i know i shouldn’t but… you can be so sweet…
in my reverie, i opened my eyes and, the blinds at my bedroom window, the world outside was painted red. not just any shade of red, bright arterial red. everything and everyone was red: the sky, the trees, the sea, the birds, the oil-tankers, the traffic, the houses and high-rises… everything was red.
everything. even NYC.
alas, sweet codeine, with you, i never know where you will take me: out on a limb, out on a ledge. and over.
and it is all too beautiful. but too easy. so i must leave you.
i hope we never meet again. you are a dangerous beauty.
my head aches. my skin is crawling. i sense you. you have me in your crosshair.
you are addictive, my love, but i’m onto you.
goodbye, sweet codeine.
(c) Kat McDonald 2015 – image found on Instagram @nois9
– cracked ribs and codeine: a strange, but true, story.