so… i lie in the dark and wait for the pills to take effect.
pain, in itself, in its purest form, can twist the mind into delerium. it can turn the mind into a fun fair – a weird and wonderful place. it’s all about mind over matter, control…
but what happens next?
what happens next is expected when opiates numb and distort one’s reality.
i lie in the dark. the window is open. the mild chill of a calm December night trickles in; a welcome winter breeze, heralded by the gentle tickling of the wind chime… a sound like my lover’s whispers, soft as his lullabies.
my eyes feel heavy, like poppies, laden with sleep. codeine is fanciful, in her red velvet dress, in her coquettish play. she likes to play mind games. she is not good for me, but i cannot breathe without her tonight.
i feel myself begin to dissolve into the bed beneath me. my bed, an ocean bed. i look up behind closed lids and see the room is filled with water. i can hear the sea. the soft light from my dying cellphone illuminates the water. the water is salty. i can taste it. i reach out, with tingling hands. the fabric of my ocean bed feels like velvet fur. the water is soft and enveloping. entangled in seaweed, i stretch out.
the whole body is tingling. i can feel every atom of my construct. my being. every particle. every photon. i am light. i can feel myself break apart and dissipate into the walls. i could walk through walls. am i upright? i can feel every particle vibrate, quiver. i shiver. sharks circle above me. i feel myself break apart – i could float up through the ceiling or disappear down through this bed, through the foundations of this building and return to the earth.
i follow the light, i become light. every photon dispersed, scattered. am i horizontal? i no longer know. i look down at my feet. i am upside down. which way is up?
a rainbow in my hand. the colour yellow smells acrid and tastes bitter. like dandelions. but butterscotch is sweeter. yellow is not my favourite colour, green is. green has a hollow taste and sounds like distant church bells. i follow that sound.
but wait. what is this colour i see now? i have not seen this colour before…
the sea breeze beguiles, it feels like my lovers hand across my cage of ribs. gentle. i urge the pale pink sea breeze to keep touching me. “don’t stop…” i moan. i taste the breeze on my lips.
i must find Adam, i need a new rib. i search for him. he is hiding beneath Codeine’s velvet skirts… Adam. a cross-dressing dwarf with a beard longer than his limbs and the hemline of his emerald green sequined frock. he extends a hand, and we dance. we spin around and around to the sound of church bells. distant church bells. when the pealing stops, he gives me a rib. i kiss him lightly on the forehead and walk away, weaving my way through a field of giant strawberries.
i reach out to touch a strawberry, it begins to glow and throb – like a beating heart. the smell seduces the senses. i take a bite… sweet as honey. where did they come from? they are all around me, as far as the eye can see… a sea of giant strawberries, ripe, red and rare.
are they really this big? or is it i that is small? i take another bite… the juice runs down my chin. sticky and thick, like honey. i touch another one… it begins to glow, pulse and hum… a sound i have not heard before but it is music to my ears. i touch another, it too glows and hums, in harmony… i weave through the field, making sweet music.
at the edge of the field, the land falls away into an infinite chasm. i look down and see eleven beautiful white-tailed eagles circling below. their piercing cries fill my mouth with the taste of wood and sets my ears on fire. their cries sets off a ringing in my ears… like a wind chime.
i step off the edge…
the most beautiful eagle, with piercing eyes, soars beside me – it is then i realise i can fly. we soar together. i have never been this high before.
i hear my own joyous laughter as i fly with the eagles, my arms outstretched. my fingers are my primaries.
he speaks to me:
“cashee cam a waa naa poonta”
his eyes are intense and i let him carry me home, where i lay curled up like an embryo upon his downy bed. i nestle in while he fans me with his big, beautiful beating wings. the soft thrumming sound lulls me to sleep.
why are there two moons in the sky tonight?
i am back in my room, on my ocean bed, amid seahorses. they shimmer as they flit by me. i make my way to the surface and break the meniscus.
i am in a field of corn. a beautiful field of dancing golden corn. the taste of butterscotch is strong, sickly sweet. the sky is violet. the crows talk to me. they are as large as houses. they tell me i hold the key to a map. i draw the map on the back of my hand.
i follow the contours of the map… and i find myself in the palm of my own hand. the dwarf is there. with a chimpanzee. the chimp takes my left hand and traces the lines on my palm. he grins at me, chatters to me and wraps his arms around me, holding me close.
the dwarf turns to me and asks if i saw the two moons? he takes out a silver hip flask from under his dress. he unscrews the top and takes a swig, offering it to me. i cannot refuse. it would be rude to.
it smells musky and has a queer taste – like watermelon and rubber. i drink it all down, while the dwarf plays his jew’s harp.
the chimp wraps me up in pale pink tissue paper… around and around… sounds become muffled from inside this strange cocoon.
i lie and look at the moons. i can hear them rattling as if they are made of tin. battered tin, peppered with bullet holes.
but why would someone want to shoot the moon?
why are there two moons in the sky tonight?
i ask the dwarf about the interloper moon. he says it is only the chosen few that can see her and tells me to sleep as he scatters me with poppies…
(c) Kat McDonald 2015
another codeine dream…