today, i am that snowflake

IMG_9304

i/

this day; today.
a day, made of clay.
cold and wet.
i step outside,
from one storm to another.
i was born in a storm.
i ought to be strong
[stronger than this]

the wind roars and scalds
my face with its chill.
sleet falls
hard
like a rain of gunfire.
glass pavements impede my gait.
battered and blown,
i walk slowly.
a funereal pace.
i breathe in the petrichor,
a smell i would
ordinarily relish
but today
it smells like shit.
pungent.
sour.

i feel like i
am made of clay.
my cold, damp fumbling fingers
seem useless.
i should cut them off.
my feet,
heavy and
tired, tread
carefully.
and there is silt
in my spit. i swallow
down the abrasive
residue. i taste
of earth.
but onwards, i trudge.
my bones ache
from fear of falling.
but i keep falling;
failing
and flailing.

Janus heralds a time
of new beginnings
and transitions;
of gates and doors
and passages.
and time.

his perfect
[comedic] timing: it is to be expected,
i guess, with
his cruel squall
and winter wall.
i search for a way
through but it stands
too tall.

i cannot climb over.
my feet are heavy and
i am stuck to the ice.
i am clumsy.
[this is not funny] i am inept,
despite my eloquence.
if only i could
find a way through.
but i soldier on.

he sent this blizzard.
to suffocate and
subjugate.
i hear his laughter, mocking.
i scream at the sky:

“Janus! stop this fucking war!”

all that i want
is peace, and peace of mind.
but my mind
i cannot find?
i would retrace my steps but
my footprints are covered
over.
i am lost
in this storm.
this [inner]
conflict.

i think of home.
homesick, i dream of
a place of warm.
a place where stains and
traces of embraces
still hang, fragrant,
in the air.
home.
a place where that
smile can colour
and set fire
to a room.
home, like a womb.
where sleep comes easy
and dreams
ignite and fuel the hopes
and tropes that
shape the self.

ii/

i succumb to the [white]
frill and freeze
as the snow falls thick
and [pillow] soft.
paralyzed by my
own worry, i fall to my knees
amid the flurry.

“i give in…!” i cry,
buckling beneath
his uranic hand as he pushes me deeper into the sand
and clay.
he dismembers me,
he crushes me into the ground.

in this clarity.

iii/

in this ephemeral realisation
i look inside.
and find the origin of my symmetry, but
what purpose?
am i one?

my eyes weep crystal tears.
i fall. again and again.
i am that snowflake.
i fall, like all
my good intentions.
i only wanted
to make the world
a prettier place.
but being unique
is not enough.
i am weak.
and insignificant.
today,
i feel
like that snowflake.
like the other
snow white soldiers,
in their hundreds of thousands.
in this storm, this war,
they fall
to their death,
unseen
unto sodden ground.

[Christ, i just want to be held]

with patience,
in every breath,
i step off this icy ledge
with arms outstretched;
there is nobody here, to see me weep
there is nobody here, to catch me
on hand or cheek.
not one soul
to care,
or fall upon.
and so my fall
remains unbroken; spat.
i will deliquesce
into the clay,
beneath your feet.

[blink] and thy will be done.

words & image (c) Kat McDonald 2016

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11 thoughts on “today, i am that snowflake

  1. A very well written poem, especially the imagery surrounding (failing) to walk in a winter storm. I’m sure many of us from colder climes can relate.

    But the end makes me rather sad for you…assuming you’re writing about your own inner turmoil. You do a good job of conveying powerful emotions; so good that it’s hard for me not to be affected by them.

    So to summarize, well done 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • wow! thank you for such a wonderful sentiment. i love it when readers tell my why they liked a particular piece, or even if they don’t like it and tell me why. feedback is always appreciated. it means a lot. i just write from the heart and throw it out there for you all to read, so when people take time out to read and comment, i truly am grateful.

      Liked by 1 person

    • aw thank you. i hope you find more of my posts enough to hold your attention for a longer visit. your comment is greatly appreciated. it’s always nice to know that words don’t fall on ‘deaf ears’… so to speak…. thank you 🙂

      Like

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