what should i do today?
i dunno, Kat, you have options…. go for a walk with your camera, shoot the sky – look at it, it’s beautiful this morning, all red and purple? or you could watch a movie, like that Meryl Streep one about the singer with the shrill voice that Lynn recommended. or you could write something…? you haven’t written anything in a while. or maybe you could get your finger out and write a synopsis and cover letter for sending Life’s Rich Pageant to agents…? or you could play your guitar? you’re always bleating on about how your ambition exceeds your ability, well fucking do something about it… play. practise. play. or you could, of course, go back to bed with Alf, or just continue to mope around in this covid-era depression.
what should i wear?
well, i’m up now. teeth cleaned. i hear sirens. it’s all i hear these days. but hey…. is it cold outside? the sky looks pretty, but it is November now… i guess i should wear some warm layers. who cares? i doubt i will be leaving the house today anyway, and if i do i’ll be sure to stick a mask in my pocket. so sick of this…
coffee? d’you want a cup?
oh yes, please…. that would be great.
what time is it?
it’s 9.12am. why? what does it matter?
i guess it doesn’t matter because time doesn’t exist, does it? i mean, it’s just a human construct by which we cage ourselves. you should make the most of each day. oh… remember you have washing on… the cycle should be finished soon.
i guess so… so back to that question… what should i do today? it’s Friday.
… and we’re back to cages. why do we do that? put ourselves in these cages??
i think it’s so we can organise our days… and what we do with our time. for something that doesn’t exist, per se, it’s a precious commodity. much sought after… more valuable than gold, or data.
hey… Kat… the kettle has boiled!
ok… i’ll be right there. one homemade oat latte coming up.
[i get up from the comfort of the smaller of my two green sofas and slip into the kitchen. i rub my eyes. i check the washing machine. 10 minutes left.]
i’m tired. already…
[i take a mug from the mug tree and coffee from the jar. one scoop. i add cold oat milk, and fill my mug half full]
wow, that’s optimistic of you!
[i top up the mug with boiling water… not quite a latte but equally as milky – trying not to fill it ‘vulgarly full’ – as my late mother would say….]
Fuck. i miss her. but i am glad she’s dead. and not here at this time… she wouldn’t understand. Hell, i don’t even understand what’s going on these days… so much fake news, ‘bought’ news, biased and skewed. i don’t know what to believe these days…
[i take a sip of my coffee and return to my seat to find my cat, Alf, has taken up residency there…]
hey little one… shift!
[i give him a gentle nudge, he vocalises his displeasure with a little grunt. i love this cat. he’s my best friend]
so… Kat… what are you going to do today? will you publish this on your ‘inner focus’ blog? will you whore it around your social media pages?
publish and be damned! a wise man once said… was it Hemingway?
it may very well have been. so will you? i mean…. who would want to read this? it’s the ramblings of boredom.
i may as well. it gives me something to do. i haven’t written anything of worth in a while. this has been a good exercise. in self-discipline if nothing else…
self-discipline… something you haven’t exercised in a while. you’re the world’s greatest procrastinator. care to talk more about this?
what are you? my therapist?
yeah. i could be… but if you don’t want to explore these issues then that’s fine by me. i just thought, you know, while we had the time…
oh back to that again! time! yes. much sought-after time. i have lots of time so why don’t i want to make the most of it? what is wrong with me?
i think what you’re feeling is natural. i think a lot of people, in these strange times, feel the same. going through phases of having zero motivation. i think it’s uncertainty.
let me just enjoy my coffee, please? you know… sometimes i can’t stand being around you.
why’s that? because i speak the truth to you, Kat? you need to give yourself a shake – stop moping and get on with something.
sometimes it’s hard. sometimes i just feel so…. disheartened. dispirited. and i think ‘what’s the fucking point?’. everything is so superficial. nobody cares what i have to say, or write about, or sing about. nobody cares how i view the world around me, or what f-stop i used in a particular photograph i have taken. nobody cares. everyone is too caged, by their own periphery and public personae, to care about my little world. i dunno… maybe i should take a break from social media. it can be a toxic experience.
it’s a double-edge sword. you need it promote yourself…
ha! yeah. okay.
it’s true. you do. i think your imposter syndrome needs a brick to the face. i’m tired of hearing this. i’ve told you before – it’s completely natural, during these strange times of change and reset. a lot of people feel exactly as you do. and i think creative people ‘feel’ it more than most. emotions are in a state of flux right now for a lot of creative people, all around the world, not just you. you’re not alone.
so what do you suggest?
i think you should chill the fuck out. drink that coffee, go for a walk down by the sea to blow away this negativity. then return, refreshed, and pick up your guitar (either one) and finish that song you started a few months ago… the one called ‘i hate you’… pour all these feelings into this. it’s a great song, or has the potential to be… finish it.
right now, i wish i had a million quid.
wow… diversion tactics. you are one hella procrastinator, aren’t you? why? money isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on… it can’t buy happiness, it can’t buy health, or love….?
well it can actually, even if it’s just momentarily. i am just sick fed up being skint. i haven’t worked since February and i am tired of scrimping and scraping. wondering if i will have enough money at the end of the month. that dark day looming when i wonder what i will spend my last £10 on… top up my gas for warmth or buy food. and it will soon be Christmas. and you know how i feel about Christmas… fuck Christmas!
fuck… you really are in a foul mood this morning aren’t you?
yeah. you said it was normal. that i am allowed to feel these things. don’t you ever wonder how long it would take you to spend a whole million quid? i reckon i could do it in a few days, if i really wanted to.
yeah. i bet you could. i firmly believe you.
you make great coffee, by the way… anyone ever tell you that?
no. well, yeah…. but you’re the first to tell me that today. okay. so a walk along the beach? Better sort out that laundry… hang it up on the airer.
ach… i don’t know. and yeah… i will do.
[picks up Fender Jaguar and tunes it… cranks up amp]
maybe you’re right. maybe i should vent this anger and disappointment into that song….
you know i’m right!
i guess so… now piss off and leave me alone with my guitars and savagery.
that’s the spirit. you just have to keep creating… vent through your writing… your music. there has never been a time when you’ve needed music most. don’t be so fucking hard on yourself. please. it’s heartbreaking. give yourself a shake and fucking create something. do it for yourself and fuck everything else. but hang that fucking washing up!
i guess. hey… you’re swearing better today, Kat.
(c) Kat McDonald 2020